Viability via•bili•ty n.

1. Capable of normal growth and development
2. Capable of become practical and useful
3. Capable of success or continuing effectiveness; practicable

I pulled my things together and headed out the door. Despite being recently jilted by those who attend "Christian-based organizations", I had decided to use this Tuesday night to try again, and perhaps connect with those who truly, passionately seek our God.

I was a bit wary as I approached the steps to the door, despite the shelter it would provide away from the winter's night air. Instantly greeted by three plastic smiles, I had a brochure shoved my way, a brochure with artwork of anonymous "shiny happy people" who were not affiliated with the gathering.

I walked through the wall and shook the cold off and as I did, my eyes met an acquaintance of mine that I have known for some time. It brought me good cheer to see her and I affectionately greeted her. We began to unravel the roads we were upon to one another. As we conversed, I watched as her eyes followed various guys that would pass us. I found her distraction to be distracting and I considered inserting into the conversation that my apartment is currently under siege by a band of roving gnomes, led by a particularly large, yard gnome, who will stop at nothing to obtain my Ramen noodles. I think she would have smiled and nodded politely. Soon thereafter, I found myself sharing my European dreams for this summer and how I would contemplate the viability of living in a place like Scotland or upon the Mediterranean coast. I only got as far as the word "viability." Yep, I was stuck mid-sentence, mid-breath on the word "viability" when a guy walks up to her, she turns 80 degrees to her left, and they begin talking to one another. No acknowledgement is made to my presence and there I was stuck with the word "viability." I waited in queue for a moment and left. There were no artificial it-was-nice-seeing-you's. I just turned and left.

I found a seat on the second row as the band began to warm up. The week before, covers of Hootie and the Blowfish's Time and George Strait's All My Ex's Live In Texas were performed. This week they covered Babyface's When Will I See You Again:

When does my someday begin
When I'll find someone again

As in similar environments, I have a developed host of friends in the crowd, yet I sat in solitude. The music and the message were beneficial. Yet, passive people jumped through hoops on cue. It is the "dutiset" that we feel that must be maintained. A new word I have developed is dutiset: the paradigm with which one feels obliged to obey within the scope of his/her duties.

Of late, I have been examining the concept of relationships versus duties within the scope of the Christian faith. I study the motivation of the action we perform in our faith. Do we do things because it is "the right thing to do" and should be done because of this in that of itself? Rather, should we be doing such tasks because we are motivated to propel the relationship we have with one another toward greater heights ? When the task involves interpersonal relationships, which approach is sincere? I continue to approach areas of my life with this "duties vs. relationship" construct so that I may filter out duty-based agendas and focus on relationship-based initiatives.

The time for our gathering came to a close. My eyes scanned the crowd for a friendly face. I nearly lay this fruitless exercise aside when my gaze fell upon a ray of warmth. Within the cavernous space, a sun shined for my sole contentment.

I headed out into the cold night, my hands jammed into my pockets as the events earlier that evening assaulted my thoughts. The disenchantment of my involvement in "Christian-based organizations" grew and frustration with insincerity and dutisets overwhelmed me. Viability indeed.

I was a bit weary as I approached the steps to the door. Wary before, weary now, I found myself within the comfortable confines of the coffeehouse. Lauren was empathetic to my mind's plight and used a beer mug to dispense coffee for me. Typically, I find myself sitting in a booth or taking a few shots with the cue ball, but that night I sunk down into a leather couch in the smoking room. The ample cigarette smoke was a barrier to the realm of hypocritical muck I had trudged through the previous hour. In the corner a few feet to my left, sat a woman with jet black hair, pastel white skin, and thinly drawn eyebrows who talked with a guy who was superbly dressed with styled hair and crossed his legs at a tight angle. When I noted their conversation, it was focused on clothing and home accessories. They were honest; I can respect that. Huddled across the room at the opposing corner were Christians smoking cigars. They were honest; I can respect that.

I have been on a great journey of the heart. I have dreamed dreams that are bigger than me. Instead of holding to "why" I have grasped "why not?" When one contemplates a dream, its first flight is delicate; its wings are fragile, like that of a butterfly. Questions of "how" blow a dream out of the air before it can extend its wings in open flight.

Fasting from the pleasures of food during the month of December empowered me in developing with a speed greater than I have known. Truly, I have pushed the envelope of my existence. The fast itself has been an arduous discipline to maintain. Our culture uses food as entertainment to such a great degree. I've been to a Mexican restaurant with tortilla chips and dip just inches from my hand. I've joined a birthday celebration surrounded by the savory aroma of an Italian restaurant's enticements. Nic has come over to my apartment with a Papa John's pepperoni in hand, used my own oven to reheat it, and even had the leftovers remain at my place for me to discard. I have sat down to so many meals and had but a mug of stale coffee to quench the watering of my tongue.

Concerning the waters of dating, as an abstract I do not wish to be involved with another before June. Financially, I am not in the position to entertain a lady friend. But our lives are not lived in the abstract and I long for those moments of shared soulgaze that are oblivious to the clockwork of time. I did not have romance in 2003, yet it suited me well for there was a long path that I had to sojourn alone. Additionally, I did not connect with another who "could" taste my soul. It proved best for me to not be involved with another for I had to seek my identity in God, find my heart and live from it. If I had found romance in 2003, I would have eased to complacency before knowing who I am to be. Instead of a December with a pattern of self-denial, distraction removal, and a tight focus, a relationship would have made me... a giddy glutton. I do hope there will come a time when my strength will pour into another's heart and a bond that is not expressed by words will be spoken again. But as for now, I am not ready for her. I am away preparing a place; I am away preparing my heart. Indeed, 2004 will be a monumental year for me.

Welcome 2004. The transitional years of my life have dealt in 4's: 1992, 1996, 2000... 2004. As I walked home from work on the 31st, my steps were carried along with a joyful anticipation of the soon coming year. Though the sun had set and the gloomy dank of wintry darkness set about me, my heart felt an all-encompassing joy. 2004 was soon to arrive.

"The Highlander". From May 29th through June 20th, I should be spending a week backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland. The remaining time will be spent riding the rails through Europe while venturing to those places I have read and heard, yet never fathomed that my eyes would fall upon those sights. I see it as a spiritual journey into the wilderness as I draw closer to Him. My heart is joyful. My boss approved my upcoming leave which encouraged me and reality rolled into action when I made a monetary commitment with a ticket. On Saturday, May 29th around 2:20PM, I will be boarding a plane bound for Paris with a stop in Detroit. I ultimately chose Paris over the other European cities because I wanted to be in Normandy on Memorial Day. One of my goals is to find myself on a sunny hillside near the Alps close to Salzburg, Austria and while twirling in circles, I'd sing—you guessed it, "the hills are alive, with the sound of music."

I bought a leather journal to record my planning and thoughts as I prepare and experience the journey and as I am upon it. One day I would like to write a book based on this material. One of my dreams is to write such a book and share with others my journey and paint the pictures of what I see. I find that people love the idea of what I am planning, yet for various reasons, they do not embark on such ventures. Therefore, I would like to write in a manner that brings the reader along with me. What is the allurement of movies? It allows us to be a part of an epic with no commitment on our parts. I can write such a work while encouraging others to dream big.

So what other implementations have I initiated during my time of fasting?

I have a plausible goal of reaching 163 lbs. that is powered by a dream and not a statistic/persona. During the time of my fast, my weight has plummeted from 241 to 200.

A goal of mine has been to identify and to strategize a solution in resolving my knee ailment. Previously, I have been given vague generalities that only presented pieces of the puzzle. Through reading hiking periodicals and knee-related websites, it seems as though I have chondromalacia. Essentially, my patella's mistracking is tearing up my knee's cartilage. Fortunately, quad strengthening exercises will restore my knee without surgery, assuming I haven't already taken too much damage. I just hate that rice krispies crackle when it occurs outside a bowl of cereal!

I am examining and embarking upon a "walking lifestyle." As a "joint" venture between my knee-strengthening objectives and European hiking, I now walk to work. It is roughly a 3 mile distance between my apartment and U of M. I can wrap it up in just under an hour. It is a relatively safe journey, though I am wary as I draw near to the Liberty Bowl. I have also been walking to Midtown locations. I walk the mile to my favorite coffeehouse, though my brisk steps on Union at night make me a bit edgy. As I was strolling aimlessly the other day, I swung by the movie theater and watched "LOTR: Return of the King." The theater itself matches its locality's uniqueness for they serve wine and cheese. A brief sidebar: there is a scene in LOTR where Aragorn is told to lay down the identity of the ranger and to become what he was born to be. Wow, what a HUGE thought and incredibly applicable! As I watched this scene, my eyes watered-up for it resonated throughout me.

I am removing distractions for a more focused life. It is true that this was started before my fast, but I feel as though it was refined during this period. Though it does not come as a surprise, now that I am no longer bombarded by the world's propaganda via television, I am able to freely dance upon my own thoughts. I continued removing clutter/distractions in my life by giving away ¾'s of my books (like I'm ever going to read "Jane Eyre" again—much less its Cliff's Notes!). The associated bookshelves soon lost their positions and now adorn the living room of Nic. I considered the individual significance of my articles of clothing. Several bags of clothing found their way into the receiving hands of a thrift store. Incidentally, I also dropped off my old card collection there. After years together, I parted ways with BOB, my martial arts "dummy". It's not that we didn't have a good relationship, in fact, it had been recently improving. But at 400 lbs, I had to look down the road at what might happen between us. I think he would be too clingy and would restrict my freedom. So, I threw out the idea to Ed if he could cart him off, he could have him, and cart him off he did.

A man's place is in the kitchen... or so is the new motto of the House of Bill. Yes, I have developed the environment to be conducive to cooking. Novel idea, eh? Yes, I lack the skills, but they have these... algorithms that will result in food! The key for me is to develop a setting that will draw me to the kitchen. I must say, once again I play the game of creative thought and have a unique lighting schema in my kitchen. I brought in one of my old stereos which add to the ambience. Recently, I acquired a hanging pot rack which already adds several points to my cooking skill set!

So here I am. Dreaming big and living dreams. I really don't know what life has for me but I'm leaping out into the abyss to see what I may find.

Just a brief update here: tonight marks the last night that I'll have broadband access here in Midtown– assuming Time Warner doesn't try to shoot down my plans. This is the kind of thing that big, corporate conglomerates seemingly love to frustrate my planning. I have decided that I no longer require broadband access and in efforts to cut back spending, I will have free dialup access from work if need be. It should also free up additional time. Upon a line of tangency, tomorrow I will be canceling my garage access at work.

By the way, I have developed a new style of urban art. Next time you have a lighter along with a couple of credit cards, give it a whirl in combination with running water.