Single entities of wet misery bring their journeys to a close with their crashing upon the earth with the notice of no one. Once again, I find myself alone with my thoughts as the rain comes forth from tumultuous clouds...

I've neglected my online journal for much too long. Upon our daily walk in life, one may forget to record those "little" things of life- thoughts, events, etc- which in actuality are what comprises life. Weeks have been passing in whirlwind fashion and one week is seemingly enough like its predecessor. The following week should be very much like the one I am finishing. Yet, change is in the air with my involvement in the Venture ministry and though there is no one in my life that I have my mind set upon, I feel as though I will find myself involved in a relationship shortly. It is just a feeling that one gets.

For the past several weeks I had been angry with God, and in my work's devotional Monday morning, the speaker brought up the point that when we do question God or when we are angry with Him, it is "ok" but we must also consider the flip side of the coin and consider God's track record of sorts. The speaker read the following passage and it really rings true to my own experience. Verses 7-9 are extremely similar to the words I penned out during a message three Sunday nights ago upon a night I did lyrics at the Mug and found myself bitter, a bit of an irony considering everyone was using the lyrics to praise God. I did not know these words were in scripture and I had felt guilty beforehand for penning them out.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD ;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

I have talked things out with one of my roommates about how I am struggling and how we are on similar journeys for our house is under a massive spiritual attack. Anyway, he brought up a point which I did not consider to be a potential causation, but rather just a result: I am really frustrated with Venture. I have decided to remove myself from the tech duties at the Mug which include operating the presentation software along with general support. Jeremy told me that he would follow suit if I left. I have lost confidence in Venture leadership's ability to lead. Many words are being spoken but actions reflect the opposite. Unfortunately, I am not in the position to bring about change through the normal conduits. The ministry is plagued with inexperienced leadership who do not know how to effectively utilize its resources.

Venture for me is like a long term relationship. At first things were great and I could not have asked for anything better, but as time went on we really just grew apart and though we are still involved, we are strangers, never knowing what the other is doing and resenting the time we are together:

Overs -Simon and Garfunkel

Why don't we stop fooling ourselves?
The game is over,
Over,
Over.

No good times, no bad times,
There's no times at all,
Just The New York Times,
Sitting on the windowsill
Near the flowers.

We might as well be apart.
It hardly matters,
We sleep separately.

And drop a smile passing in the hall
But there's no laughs left
‘Cause we laughed them all.
And we laughed them all
In a very short time.

Time
Is tapping on my forehead,
Hanging from my mirror,
Rattling the teacups,
And I wonder,
How long can I delay?
We're just a habit
Like saccharin.

And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue.

But each time I try on
The thought of leaving you,
I stop...
I stop and think it over.

After researching within the field of orthopedics, I am fairly certain that I have an ACL injury and considering that only a minority of these injuries are partial tears which will typically develop into completely torn, I probably have a torn ACL.

Considering that torn ACL injuries are unable to heal on their own and total costs of replacement surgery is $10-$15k which is steep for someone who does not have health insurance and is getting paid 35% less than what the market pays for the position, it looks as though it is the end of another era for me.

I used to regard my right leg as strength of mine; I would jump off of it with layups in basketball and considered it my primary leg in throwing 1000's of kicks in Taekwondo.

Someone may object and say "Bill you are no doctor, how can you possibly know what you're talking about?" Don't you hate those kinds of people who for whatever reason have been prohibited from thinking upon their own so that they must be spoon-fed what they know and lack the capacity to learn on their own faculties. Do they even have a glimmer of independent thought? True, I may have misdiagnosed the issue for within the realm of IT, I have misdiagnosed plenty of issues so it is certainly conceivable that I am wrong. I do know that I seemingly enough exhibit the symptoms of the injury and am daily plagued by knee instability. For the past two days I have fallen from it.

There's a whole host of issues I can address from the perspective of this new era and as time and motivation permits, hopefully I will be delving into those matters in these journals. Overall, I think the issues all revolve around strength.

On a happier note, as I composed this journal, I was given a 9% raise.

But I'm at the end of the new frontier
Here at the edge of the flat earth ending
I'm getting off to get lost in the air
At the end of the world
Where the light is bending
From the outside of everything
To the inside of you

-Counting Crows New Frontier

Friday: Closure to another week of work and the end of my second week of being away from home. It has yet to feel "real" that I have moved away from home. Rather, it feels though it's one extremely long day and I am hanging out with my friends off and on, or, it feels like the great time I had down in Denton/Dallas on the trip for our ministry to check out the Cup with Nic, Jason West, and Gary.

Regardless, I think it's safe to say that it both "is" and "feels" to be a temporary situation. Considering the time of the lease, what is a year? True, many things have transpired in my life since a year ago, but it only feels as though a few months have passed since September 13, 2001. It is much too early to say if I'll stay living in the house with the guys after a year which will most likely have roommate dynamics and finances as the deciding factors.

Upon less weightier yet more crucial matters, I should have broadband access to the Net installed this Monday. It has been an arduous time for me at the house without access to the Internet. For someone who thinks he should have information system implants integrated with his body, not having Internet access at home can display the symptoms of anxiety attacks with a pounding heart, trouble breathing, dizziness, and feeling like I'm about to die. =)